Here is an entry I wrote on my personal weblog dated Thursday, September 22, 2005, before this site was created.

Eight Pages of Goodness Graciousness

I received an eight page, handwritten letter from my jailed deaf dad. He received the five postcards and two letters I have sent since August 5th and the $50 I deposited into his inmate trust fund.

With his money he bought:

A new fan - $20
Radio with awake shaker - $13.60 (He means a vibrating alarm clock)
Sport watch - $4.00
Double hygienes - $7.00
Pint of Blue Bell - $1.50 (Texas brand ice cream for all you yanks)
24 oatmeal pies - $2.10

He has a grand total of $0.21 left in his account. (Don't know where that other $1.59 was spent).

As for the last item above, he said, "Guess what I got 24 Oatmeal Creme pies and I ate all in 2 days -- Damned it. But I feel good to taste real sweeting foods." That's totally worth $50. I sent $40 more yesterday so he can buy two sets of dominoes ($9.50), a new padlock ($10.50) and still have $20 to blow on oatmeal pies and other "sweeting foods". I also bought him this book and a six month subscription to the Seminole Producer for which my cousin Wil is a writer and photographer.

There was his usual ranting about the thieving, cheating, lying troublemakers in jail and an entire page about the real origin of the HIV/AIDS virus. That it originated in Middle Africa around 1957 but they didn't call it HIV at the time. Much of what he wrote was pretty accurate, but based on theoretical conclusions. Read the history of AIDS here.

Finally, he addressed a question I posed in my last letter to him. Figuring the reason he didn't write more often was that he felt like he didn't have any new information to share, I wondered if he would be willing to answer any questions I posed to him in the form of written interviews. I proposed that I could compile his stories and perhaps publish them on his own website, create a manuscript or any number of other avenues for writers.

His reply was an emphatic "YES!" The pages nearly caught fire with his rapid writing and his language became nearly indiscernible. His excitement at my idea has him charged. Here are excerpts from his reply:

"Kambri, Yes Many years ago, I always want to writing a story about fiction and nofiction with my real life and make up a story. published a book. and make millions dollars." [Excellent. This is something he has wanted to do and I can help make it happen.]

"Of course I will write a story every weekly and send you and you make good languages and add more ideas...Yes I will tell you every things about real life of myself. And your mother still not know about I gone to old Mexico They arrested me for possession of Dope. They sentenced me lifetime but I only stay in prison 28 days. That awful story..." [WTF? A Mexican prison? My mom doesn't even know about it?!?!]

"Kambri I will write you every weekly 2 different story about real life and nonfiction. One best story is happiness and fun in Paris, France. Bad story in Old Mexico...My Worse life is that I hated being deaf & mute...I will explain you mail order. Its is best fast profit and lots million dollars in few weeks. Its better than published books." [Mail order? I'm going to have to tell him about the internet.]

He then switches gears and complains about a guy who wants to fight with him. "Don't worry," he assures me. "I will whip and real good bruises & maybe break his teeth. He really need get lesson..." [ARGH! How many times do I have to tell him not to get into trouble! If he gets solitary, he can't enjoy the commissary, get visits or write to me.]

"Kambri you know that I"m good gentleman real man -- No fool No play -- I love you my daughter. Daddy. P.S. I'm happy that I can help with you will make & published book. please." [Me, too, Dad. Me, too.]

So there we have it. It looks like we'll be collaborating on the story of his life. It could be sad, shocking, embarrassing, angering, frustrating but is guaranteed to be interesting.

Now, what should I ask him first?

Red Carpet White Trash

If you had told the 13-year-old, tin trailer living, outhouse using, raggedy clothes wearing version of me that her life would come to this, she would have wanted to believe it with every fiber of her being but couldn't possibly have imagined it coming true. I swear I wished on many a bright star, birthday cake candle and 11:11 clock read-out that I would have a life & career that allowed me to have a week like the one I just had.

I have just returned from Los Angeles after attending, among many other awesome events, the 2006 TV Land Awards with my fiance, comedian Christian Finnegan, where I was feeling pretty high on life and - dare I admit it - myself. I looked good, felt good and only made a fool of myself once when I told Megan Mullally's husband during dinner that he was a liar, that he was not really her husband that he was just pulling my leg. Turns out he's honest, I'm just a little bit skeptical and a lot inexperienced.

"Why would you not believe me? Am I not dashing enough?" Nick queried.
"No, it's just, I mean why would you be sitting next to me?!" I guffawed.

Unless you've grown up in the woods of Texas sleeping on chicken coop wire in a tin shed with deaf parents -- one of whom is now in jail for attempted murder -- you just can't imagine how surreal it is to be sitting amongst every television star from your childhood not as a busboy but as an invited guest. Of course he was her husband, he was in the extra special seating section for VIPs . . . and so was I.

It only took one day home in New York for me to float back down to reality when I checked the mail and saw a new letter from My Jailed Deaf Dad. Oh the letter was fine, I guess. It was just enough of a reminder that my cross to bear is still alive and kicking and screaming no matter how gussied up I am, no matter where I get to sit, no matter what.

In his note he complained about the interpreter in his ward. They got into an argument about the rights of deaf inmates and she became so incensed at Dad that she requested he be moved to another ward. So, he is in solitary until a space opens up for him in another wing. He's okay with that saying, "I have chance to stay cell for making me to writing a letter Lawyers and N.A.D. [National Association of the Deaf]." He also included a long list of websites for me to visit and request free catalogs on his behalf. Just more work for me. (Click on thumbnail for his list.)

Finally, as though he knows how his complaints and requests for favors bring me down, he included this gem.

It's a clipping from Life Magazine about a Ukrainian man who, at age 34, is the largest man in the world and still growing. Dad drew an outline of his hand over that of the Ukrainian's along with this note:

"P.S. You don't know what size is his dick? He received an orchiectomy because all women get scared to see his dick! HA HA! =)"

To read the letter in full, click for page one and page two.

This is Dad, Signing Off

I received a TEN page letter today chock full of goodness. Dad is mostly upbeat giving good wishes to me and my fiance comedian Christian Finnegan, talking of his trip to Dublin in comparison with mine, how he missed the half time of the Super Bowl because a fight broke out amongst the other inmates (they were mad about losing in the football grids he gathers) and so much more that I hope to share soon.
He signed off by saying,

"2:45 AM. I'm going to chow at 3:00 AM.
Good Morning.
I love you
Missed you
Will you see me in June?

I'm still anger at cops.
How did Police read me my righst when they arrested me?
I tried signs lanuage for paper & pen to them But they sprayed me tear gas & their pistols at my forehead. Dammit. I wish they shot me So you can sued them. =( "

(Click the above thumbnail for his actual letter.)

Dad didn't leave me a trust fund, never paid for my schooling or, hell, even my lunch so if he gets killed behind bars, you can bet your sweet ass I'll sue. We've got grand plans for our book project. That's my inheritance we're talking about!

To my faithful reader and friend Julie of the Associated Press, Dad says "Hi." (See right.) Hope that doesn't creep you out! =)