Are You Ready for Some Football?

In today's mail came a new letter from Dad dated 9/6/06. He generally sounds bored and lonely. I haven't written much with all the wedding hubbub, traveling and preparing for Christian's stand up comedy CD hitting stores this October.*

I missed you so much. So long last letter you wrote in July 18 then Aug 28. I'm looking for you send me more news and pictures and Emails please.

After a string of bad chemistry with cellmates (fights, theft and one's failed suicide attempt {the sheet was too long and only legs were broken}), Dad likes his cellie:

We (Mr. Heard) cellmate we are good getting along, He is black, he work 3rd shift night at Textile Mill. His wife is white, She born on Aug 12, too.** Sometime he cooked and gave me foods. He is good and kind. First time I can get along with nigger. Ha.

Gee, why all the formality with "Mr. Heard" if you're still going to call him a n*gger?

He also asked for money since football season is starting and he wants to gamble on the grids.

I'm stuck to watching football games. I want to buy parlays every weekends but I'm no money...Well May you can send me $20 or $40 for I can pleasure playing on parlay $4 to $6 every weekend.

I will have to send him $50 and a letter with photos to make up for my lack of communication and financial support. Inmates are easily sated.

*Christian, my husband, is a stand up comedian. His new CD was produced by Comedy Central Records. Details will be released soon.
**This past August 12th Christian & I got married.

Flawed

Five years ago today I walked home alone across the 59th Street Bridge. The acrid smoke rose from the abominable heap that refused to leave my peripheral vision.

When Dad was convicted of attempted murder, what made me most sad was to think that he will grow old and die lonely in jail and nothing good will ever come of his life. No one would know him as he was or care to know him as he is. He will always be fatally flawed in a stranger's eyes; not worth anyone's compassion or pity or love; deserving of a dank cell devoid of warmth and filled with pain and suffering.

Flawed people died five years ago today. There were alcoholics, drug abusers, liars, cheaters and selfish people, perhaps even a convict or two among them. But they were all victims. Innocent and unsuspecting and their families are deserving of our sympathy for their unwitting sacrifices.

I have wished I could swap Dad with Some One who died on September 11, 2001. Some One who was young and vibrant. Some One would be able to hear and speak, be loved unconditionally and would have a future and life worth living. Then, if anyone asked about Dad, they would not hear that he was an alcoholic drug user, liar and cheat, abusive and selfish convict. Despite all of his flaws, they would only hear that I had sacrificed him unwittingly. Dad would somehow be worthy of their respect and I wouldn't reject their sympathy.

And that Some One would go on and lead their life ...

flawed.